I’ve learned that my method is to enjoy life in parts. This perspective has shown me more beauty than I ever imagined. I can’t stop appreciating the good things in the moment because I’m disappointed somewhere else.
Take a second and consider how much you don’t know. You have no idea when your time is over. If the thought of yourself is not enough, think of someone else. Be the things you loved most about the people who are gone. Leave yourself for a little bit if you have to - live for the version of yourself you hope to be. Be generous with yourself and forget those who cannot love you right. Learn that learning to live on your own is a gift that no one else can give you. I was lucky enough to learn that I like living.
This was the start of a post I made on a throwaway account 6 years ago: “It's the 6th of December, 2019. My last post was December 31st 2018. Right before my diagnosis, right before I was medicated, and right as I was in the middle of losing myself to a point where I didn't think I could ever come back from.”
Though I have been utterly miserable in my own being, I still know that being alive is a wonderful thing. You never know when you will be introduced to someone who will change every aspect of your life. Someone who will show you all of the things you were missing. A difficult life is just as worth living as a gentle one, maybe even more. Your pain is harder to carry than another’s joy. You’ve learned to carry a weight nearly impossible to hold. The world needs those of us who know how to do that. Those who know how to find the end of a tunnel with no light. Those who know that darkness does not have to mean an end - it can also be a shelter.
Imagine the darkness is a cave. Name your grief and house it here. Think of it as the place you go to heal. If you find yourself feeling hopeless, go to your cave. Spend some time among the ruins, a space to see all of the pieces of your soul - pieces you didn’t even know existed. And then take a rest. House your emotions in a cave instead of a grave.
It’s okay if you can’t imagine the next season for now - it will be here before you know it.
And when you do come home to yourself, you will find gifts left from all of the versions of you before.
And you will be glad you stayed.
